Saturday, December 09, 2006

food and photos

q: what is paulette eating out there?
a: once a week she is given a ration of the following:

Bacon Bits
Baking Soda
Brown Sugar
Butter - dehydrated
Cheese - dehydrated
Cornmeal - mix
Fruit Drink
Milk -- dehydrated
Tomatoes - sun dried

in our conversation with her therapist this week it sounded to us like paulette is being her true self on the trail. after previous conversations, lindsay and i worried that anasazi would never even know the paulette we know. from dale's description this week, it sounds like they are getting the same kid we get. it took a 2.5 weeks. we kinda expected that. hopefully in the next 6 weeks paulette will be able to experience some awakenings and be able to get better.

we also go the results from her psychologist. it was humbling. she is going to need so much help. it is weighty because it seems like if we can just find her a family she will be able to over come all this muck. she just needs love and stability. she will test that love completely. she has never be in a relationship where love was unconditional and she was safe. it will take a lot of love to help her trust that the love is not going anywhere. she will push you away as hard and as desperately as she needs you. any family willing to do this will have to be a very unique family. they would need amazing amounts of love, time for just her, and a sticktoitness that most just don't have. if we can find this, i honestly believe she can overcome most of this muck.

it weighs heavily because if we don't find this, the outcome is pretty sure. she will never learn to trust people. she won't learn empathy. her ability to objectify people will become more profound. she will tear through people begging them to come near her and pushing them away with full force. she won't be happy. she will live a life of a unlovable being. not that she is unlovable, but she will force her own belief that she is unlovable on the word in a self-fulfilling prophesy.

we honestly pray daily that we can find a family or that they can find us. we are also looking into other options for permanent placement, in case we don't find her a home. we like the idea of the westridge academy. our ideal situation is that we find a family that is willing to invest in paulette for the next 6 years. they come with us to anasazi to meet her and to learn about the anasazi way. when paulette completes anasazi, we place her in westridge. paulette and this new family have weekly family therapy sessions. lindsay and i are still involved to help paulete through her therapy, but the family is there to prepare for the future. then when paulette is well enough to live with a family she enters this family's home. they all will have had a year + of therapy to prep them. they would need to continue paulette in therapy, but would probably be able to have a pretty good time. that is our pipe dream right now.

there are so many problems with this pipe dream. primarily there is no family. then, westridge is expensive and i think we have drained our sources.

so we are looking at other options. boarding schools? foster care with lots of intervention from the psychologist and therapists?

if anyone should have any ideas, please contact us! we need some help. we feel like we have 6 weeks to get this figured out. with jennifer it felt like we watch God part the red sea. i really hope He will do that again here. i really hope that we can make decisions with surety.

here are some photos from paulette on the trail...

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